It's been a while since my last post, and as I begin to write this I don't have any direction. I just figure it's best to write something, just to get something out there. I've been reading a lot about breastfeeding and maybe this blog is like that-- you want to keep expressing the milk to encourage more production. Maybe just by writing something I'll keep myself from drying up.
It's not that nothing has happened since my last post. My belly has grown so much, I've gone through a variety of phases-- leg cramps, daily heartburn, seeing a tiny foot or hand rolling around reminiscent of the movie Alien, and this week has been a lot of swollen ankles and feet and hands. I had two beautiful baby showers, where I thought my heart might explode with gratitude and love for all the support we received from our family and friends. All baby's grandparents have now felt her kick.
I had a new kind of Mother's Day this year-- instead of just feeling sad that my mom is no longer around, I had strangers wishing me happy Mother's Day. And it wasn't sad at all. It was the weirdest thing.
We even got another ultra sound! Although in this one there was way less to see since she is running out of room. (How can she be running out of room in this humongous belly??) They said she's definitely a girl, she was still moving as best as she could, and even got the hiccups right before our eyes. (She gets the hiccups at least twice a day). And of course they measured her and still think she's earlier than July 4-- they predicted June 24th.
We completed our course in Child Birth and Newborn care. I only felt faint a couple times-- when they talked about tearing. I'm deciding to believe that hearing about, seeing pictures of and listening to descriptions of tearing will be worse than when it actually happens. We also saw pictures of circumcision, although I avoided one of them, I don't know why Danny put himself through looking at the slides.
Now we're picking out her first outfit, buying odds and ends and getting our hospital bag ready--I'm hoping she'll come in a month.
We're just generally feeling anxious and excited. Every pregnancy and labor and birth story is so different, and there's no predicting what ours will be like. So there's a feeling of leaping into the dark without knowing what's in store for us. But knowing that it's probably going to be the best thing ever.
I'm cherishing this time, despite some of the very minor discomfort-because so many women have told me they missed being pregnant. I like going for my morning walk, humming her songs along the way. I've enjoyed Danny talking to her through my belly, and reading her a story. I like how strangers smile at me, and children stare at my belly with fear or disgust or wonder. I passed one little girl and her younger brother on the sidewalk and I heard her tell him, "She's going to have a baby!". Once when I was waiting for the bus stop a car pulled up and a young girl who was maybe 6 shouted something out at me and pointed to my belly. I just heard the word 'baby'. The driver may have been her mother-- she was smiling.
But even though I'm enjoying the moment, when people ask me if I'm ready, I'm starting to feel a little closer to answering 'yes'.