I Give Myself Away
On Sunday I got dressed and went to catch the bus to church. The cold was attacking me, but I’d timed the bus so I could walk to the stop right in time to only wait a couple minutes. Except the bus must have been ahead of schedule because when I got to the corner across the street from the stop it was a green light and I saw the bus barreling down toward me. As a pregnant woman I probably should not have run out in the middle of the street waving my bus pass to get the bus to stop. But I did. Especially since my efforts were wasted and the bus just blew past me, not even slowing down. I think I actually growled and checked the bus tracker on my phone. Another ten minutes! Maybe I should just go home, I thought. I pictured myself going home, putting my glorious maternity sweatpants back on, getting under a blanket with Danny, eating lasagna and making fun of an awful movie on TV. (When I’d left there was an assortment to choose from: a stalker Lifetime movie, National Treasure starring Nicholas Cage, even a movie about the Rock as a nanny!). But maybe there was something important I could get from church today. And plus in February I’d missed three weeks in a row, to just do that exact thing. So I slowly walked down a few blocks to kill time, and waited in the cold for the bus.
When I got to church, they’d already started service. Trying my best to be invisible, I slunk in a row toward the back. And the choir got up and sang this song (really, you should listen to it):
And I was just so grateful that I’d put off the comfort of my pajamas for just a few hours so I could be there in that place at that time.
“I give myself away. Take my heart, take my life… all my dreams, all my plans, I place them in your hands…my life is not my own, to you I belong. I give myself, I give myself to you.”
Because I’m giving myself over physically right now to house this little baby. And I’m giving away my fears and doubts (although it’s a daily struggle) to have faith that this pregnancy and delivery and life as a mom are only partially up to me. The rest is up to the Spirit of Truth and Love and Comfort. By giving up my fears and doubts, I'm able to allow myself to be used as a vessel to co-create this new life.
It was just a beautiful moment. I guess you had to be there, in my pregnant woman brain.
The best part was the baby loved the song. She kept kicking and maybe dancing. Although the dance was probably like Elaine’s dancing from Seinfeld. It was still awesome.